Love Letters
The Presence of You in My Absence
 The presence of you, the magic sense of you having pleasure in your life – these are my travelling companions. When I have a sense of either of these slipping away I am filled with anxiety. I need you, my Soulmate, but I also need you to be happy.
I try to find some way, every day, to give you a reason for joy in your life, a reason to smile, a reason to sink into the pleasure of living. You have given me these: I can only endeavor to return them.
I am not sure you understand or comprehend the divinity, the sexuality, your soul projects to all who meet you, especially all those who get to know you. It is there, my Soulmate, no sense denying it. It is there and it is strong. A sure steady beat moves out from you in waves. It touches, moves, excites, and exhilarates all who feel it moving over and through them.
Sometimes you hide it, sometimes you neglect it, sometimes you let your sense of society and propriety dampen and smother it. But still it is always there. It flows out of your sensuality and is rooted firmly in your glowing spirituality/sexuality.
You have a strong sense of inner message and it serves you well. Always listen to it, love, it your sure guide to your connection to life and living. It is the beginning place of your compassionate embrace of others. If you feel your heart disconnecting from others, if you feel your compassion fading, know you are withdrawing from your spirituality and strong sexuality.
You are my lover, my life, my guide to the joys of truly being alive. Help me give you all you need, all you deserve, and return unto you the beauty you have injected into the center of my life, the core of my soul, to its very seed.
Missing you is so hard after I've just left you. Your presence in my heart and mind, crawling around in my soul, makes me feel you are just out of sight, just around the corner, and if I called or reached out, there you'd be. You are so strong inside me, my soul-friend, that I carry you everywhere.
Still, when the night comes, and we are far apart, and you are no where in sight, the pain of missing you settles-in with a sharp growing pain. When I can't call out to you, to reach you, the emptiness inside where I hold you, the cavernous space grows and grows. At times when it has been days, especially weeks, I can't stand the pain of the ghostly aloneness. Then I have to get up, go out of the hotel – I can no longer stand to be alone in the night, in the darkness without you at my side.
So I walk the streets, or sit in a café watching others. Or I return to my empty hotel room and consider drinking to oblivion. Then I start the whole process over again the next day and evening.
As the days of a trip grow slower, and longer, the pain deadens all I do. It ends by shutting down the joy of living. Then one day I wake up and say, "I'll be home in two days." Then, "Tomorrow." Finally, gleefully, "Today!"
I do not desire to live outside the constant presence of your enlivening soul in my days, the warm sensuousness of you in my nights. How can I live without you daily in my arms?
Zander C
Copyright 2007-2009, Zander C. All rights reserved.
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